Original Short Stories

Previously published in the Acorn Review

Valley Isle Runaway

Beth and Gavin Watts are what some of the other renters have called a “power-couple”, and I would almost agree if I didn’t know so much about Gavin.

See, I just watch the grounds: I’m the on-site property manager, and it’s a nice gig because I get a substantial discount on my rent. The downside is that I’m the one who has to deal with everyone’s complaints, and I’m the guy who has to fix the broken things. I learned early on that if I invite a complaining tenant into my place for a glass of whiskey, the broken things go away and the complaints turn into compliments: you make a great Manhattan!  

Now Gavin Watts, this guy tends to have a lot of broken things, and a lifetime of complaints. If my apartment were a real bar, Gavin would be a regular. This guy LOVES to talk, and all the other renters, in turn, love to talk about him. Usually, I hate listening to renter gossip, but Beth and Gavin Watts stories are so entertaining! Gavin is a total asshole to his wife! Better yet are the beautiful and empowering ways of poetic justice in which Beth gets back at him. Yet despite all the verbal abuse and calculated retaliation, they’re together every morning for routine exercise: daily workout partners.

Beth and Gavin’s lives revolve around physical fitness. That’s mostly true about Gavin, who works as a nutritionist and product developer for a start-up focused on making all-natural protein shakes, trail snacks and meal bars. Beth, on the other hand, works in early childhood development, and from what I’ve heard, has single handedly raised the overall literacy rate in her school’s special needs program by 15%. And though Beth’s job is infinitely more important, it’s the lifestyle brought on by Gavin’s job that shapes the way the Watts live their lives. He makes her run, swim and bike with him nearly every day. He records their times and the things they’d eaten to compile data and in turn, he’s able to fine-tune his protein recipe. And from what I’ve heard listening to this guy, he’s never happy with the results, and it’s all the fault of his wife (who, “can’t keep up”). That’s the best part though, because I think she ran away from him—on foot!

There are a lot of different versions of the story, but this is what I’ve pieced together and filled in with imagination. Understand that the only way to tell the story is in the way I’ve heard it; that is, in Gavin’s comically flawed perspective. He thinks he’s the victim!

[11:26 pm, SATURDAY]

Name: Maxwell Horiguchi.

Nicknames: Max, Stax, Staxwell, Maxwell Staxwell, etc.

Age: 252 (in dog years).

Gender: Alpha-male.

Race: First place.

Work history: I choose not to dwell on the past.

Strengths: Ability to take boxed meals like Mac & Cheese and make them better with *super-secret* ingredients (chef’s private recipe); inability to say no to anything (constant “yes-man”).

Weaknesses? Now that one stumps me. Weaknesses, weaknesses…nothing? Nothing.

Weaknesses: Many have tried to determine, all have failed.

Accomplishments: Completed speed run of Toomba video game on PS1 in 1 hour 19 minutes, 38 seconds; co-authored comic book: Zombieman (4 issues, 5th pending).

Why should we hire yoU?: Because if not, mommy and daddy will get mad at me and take away all my toys.

I HIT SEND ON THE JOB APPLICATION and take a spin in my computer chair. That’ll get the ‘rents off my back, and there’s no way anyone will hire me with such a bullshit application. Not only that, I bet no employer in their right mind will even call me. When mom or pops ask if I’m looking for work, I can honestly say that I filled out a bunch of applications.

“I guess no one is hiring a guy with my particular skill-set at this time, I’ll say.

Perfect. Now back to my board meeting with Captain Crunch and Mr. Trix Rabbit. Signing off.

 [8:45am SUNDAY]

EDIT: Someone did call me! I’ve got a job interview today at 10am at some kind of ritzy new restaurant called, Kid Café. Not only that, the lady on the phone said they were excited to meet me. Excited? After that mess of an application? How do I sabotage this one, dear subscribers? Ooooh, I like that one, rizkizler808: I will wear a cape to the interview. Keep the suggestions coming in the chat.  Will post results in later post.

Previously published in 86 Logic

Kid Café

Previously published in Cosmic-Double

The Night Job

“It’s because you’re more Ha’ole than me,” Denton says and I tell him how that’s stupid, because we get the same Mom and Dad. He tells me to think about it but I have thought about it—if Mom is 50% Ha’ole, 50% Chinese, and Dad is mostly Hawaiian with some Filipino, Portuguese, Japanese and Samoan—we’re equally Ha’ole. So I tell him.

“Not even. See, every time Dad and Mom has one baby, it sucks the Hawaiian away from him and the baby becomes more Ha’ole each time. It’s true. Dad was doing pretty good, but when you was born, he lost his roots and he started playing golf. Ditched the tank top for one polo T- shirt. He doesn’t even surf anymore. Me, see, I was born first, I get more Hawaiian in my blood than you, so I look more like Dad, and das why he let me come with him on night jobs and not you. He was too shame for bring you.”

Dad shoots Denton a look so stern, he knows before Dad has to say anything.

“Nah, sorry.” Denton tells me, with fake remorse in his eyes. “I just messing with you. You just never got invited before because Dad only needed one helper those other times. Dis is one bigger job. One restaurant.” He nudges his leg against mine, so I nudge back at him with my whole body. It’s not my fault he slams into the damn door. He deserves it.

Dad yells at Denton and tells him “don’t antagonize your sister! She’s stronger than you, she could have whacked you right outside the car!”

I laugh but then Dad yells at me too and tells me to share the seat with Denton. I scoot over as much as I can, but on the other side is a toolbox, a metal shaft, and Dad’s carpet cleaning machine. The van only really seats two, but I’m not complaining. I’m looking out the window ahead and thinking about all that sugarcane. Between Kealia pond and Māʻalaea are miles and miles of tall, swaying sugarcane stalks until suddenly there isn’t and then there’s condominiums, the Ocean Center and a great big harbor. All beyond the bend is great Mother Ocean, from the subtle sea-cliffs all the way to Lānaʻi and on to forever. On the mountainside, there’s probably lots of mice, spiders and centipedes crawling in the dirt and grass. I bet there’s even owls, for that matter, out hunting. I ask Dad.

“Pueo? Yeah, I seen them out here plenty of times. They’re spirits half the time so I never like to see them when I drive alone. Especially not in the road. If you evah encounter one pueo in the road, look but don’t get too close. It’s good luck if you see them, but they’re delicate, and killing one is kapu. Just better hope it’s not one spirit!”

We drive through the tunnel and I make a wish with my eyes closed super-tightly. Then all around every turn, over every stretch of dark ocean, every crag in the mountain and along every mile of road, from the Pali trail to Lāhainā, I look out for my pueo. Denton must have used his wish on something stupid, like that Dad takes us to Jack in the Box. Fatso.